Secrets
by Crimson2006
Summary: A disturbingly dark oneshot involving Hikaru and Kaoru. PLEASE read the WARNING!


**Author's Note:** Ok first off, for those of you waiting for me to update **Incomplete and without Love**, I'm here to inform you that I haven't forgotten about the story. The next chapter is like 95 percent done. It will be up soon. I promise.

Secondly,** My BETA is currently on a three week vacation, so this story has NOT been edited. You have my apologies for any errors. **And if anyone would like to point out a mistake, please feel free to. (That way I can change it) Thank you.

Third and last, I have NO idea where this story came from; I was feeling kind of depressed and confused when I wrote this…so as a heads up, the following content is **disturbingly morbid and full of angst!** Basically that means, this fic has** very **dark themes!

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Ouran Host Club.

**WARNING! This one-shot contains mature (but non-explicit) themes, mild language, implied incest, referenced abuse/violence, and strong suggestive dialog/content. **Please note that if you do NOT feel comfortable with terms such as: bdsm, abuse and mock rape, then please do not read this story!!!

This story stays within all ffnet's standards; but should you have a problem with the content please e-mail me. Thank you.

**_Bold, italic Font_** –Signifies past dialog.

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He felt restless lying there. No, that wasn't the right word. He was hungry and cold…impatient to how things should be; oblivious to want he actually needed. It hurt; the threads that pierced his skin. The way the needle dipped beneath the flesh, taking his soul a little further into a world of darkness. He was ashamed, alone and overflowing with pain. The person beside him was silent as well… was he thinking the same thing?

Wincing from the pain, the needle wrapped around his wound, threading the black string in a manner to draw each flap of skin together. The stitches were messy, uneven and sloppily drawn; for as many times as they'd done this, the other seemed just as unskillful as a virgin. But really now… how many times had they gone this far? What they were doing was no doubt a sin, but when had things become this bad?

**Secrets**

Written By: Crimson2006

It had been two years, almost to date, since Kaoru had announced his love towards his older brother. The words had slipped from his ruby lips of their own accord. Had he meant to speak the confession? No. He'd only dreamed about it. Reality was such a brittle thing; so complicated and unpredictable. It was just too much to hope for, that his sibling harbored those same lustful feelings; so silence had placed its curse upon Kaoru's heart, building a wall of denial.

But that night two years ago… it had been different. That night, the younger boy's darkest secret had crawled out from the depths of his heart and taken command over his lips. The words were clear, and spoken with all the honesty that he'd kept hidden for years.

'_**I'm in love with you…'**_

That had been Kaoru secret, his most intimate thought and dream. To touch the flesh that was so much like his own, and drink upon lips that seemed just as delectable. God, he coveted his brother's body with all the sinful desires of a whore. How he'd wanted to molest that pure image of flesh, make the other arch and twitch under his touch. Kaoru had wanted all that, and so much more. He'd lied to himself for so long. Those words were the only ones he'd ever wanted to say; the only real thing that he could be sure of. That night they had sounded so right rolling off his lips… so why everyday after, did it feel so wrong?

Shaking his head Kaoru let those thoughts wander. He knew why the guilt was there, he knew why it hurt so much… because it _was_ wrong. All of it. From the way they kissed to how often they fucked; it was all disturbingly immoral. It had been alright for him to dream about it; acceptable to fantasize the scenario and get off on it; but the hell was it ok to have actually given in. He'd felt so dirty the first time…and maybe that was why things had ended up this way. All this time he was trying to make up for it. Desperate and needy to take back the words that meant so much happiness and at the same time, just as much pain.

'**_I'm in love with you Hikaru…'_**

It had started shortly after the confession; what they would later signify as a relationship. That whole week Hikaru hadn't said a word to him. In fact, after Kaoru had blurted out his feelings, the elder brother had turned around and left. There was no recognition, no acceptation or disapproval. Kaoru had sat there in the silence for seven straight days. It had gone beyond any means of torture; it had been the pure image of hell's wake.

The thoughts that had flooded his mind during all those painfully slow hours, were ones of the worse kind too. What if he'd made a mistake? What if his brother hated him now? There was some part of him that knew Hikaru didn't quite feel the same. After all, wouldn't he have told him immediately? Wouldn't his older brother have confessed his feelings right then and there?

At the time it had left Kaoru perplexed and afraid; though on that seventh day everything had become clear.

'**_You don't want to be with me Kaoru… You don't know who I am!'_**

His brother's words had cut him. They were twins; what was it that Kaoru didn't possibly know of? Though it seemed to have dawned on him then; that if he'd kept his feelings from Hikaru, couldn't his brother have respectively done the same? But what secret could be so horrible that it could keep them apart? He would always love Hikaru, no matter the sin or confession. They were meant for each other. Now…Forever…and always.

'**_I know you can't understand, but its better that we don't spend anymore time with one other. I don't want to hurt you Kaoru, and if we were together, that's exactly what I'd do. I'm sorry, but I've made up my mind. I'm moving back home... and you're going to stay here in our apartment by yourself.'_**

The words had lacked an explanation. Hell, to be honest they had lacked common sense as well. By Hikaru turning him away, it had hurt Kaoru more then anything else could…or so the younger twin had naively thought. But now… now after all this time Kaoru wasn't sure that his answer would be the same. It hurt so much –the idea of NOT being with Hikaru. But at the same time the pain and suffering he was putting his body through; it wasn't helping anyone.

Everything had seemed so surreal at first, and in away, it still did. The only difference was that, the pain Hikaru had been afraid of inflicting on him was real now. It had taken shape from being just an idea or a word; it had manifested into something that Kaoru could feel, a real part of his life. What once was the epitome of love, had fallen so far that it became something darker. Now when Hikaru touched him, even in the softest manner, it hurt like hell. It just wasn't the same… and never again would it be.

Just spending time with his brother was beginning to be painful too; and Kaoru couldn't recall a day passing by when his heart hadn't felt torn, broken, neglected, or abused. Yet, opposite to that; Kaoru's mind was also drawn into that familiar madness at the idea of Hikaru not being there. He thirsted for the other's body to be closer, even when they were assaulting one another in forbidden ways. He needed to hear his lover's heartbeat and know that it was only signing for him. What they shared; it was never enough. Kaoru had to have more. Even if having his brother was more painful then not being with him at all…

'**_I don't… I don't know why you'd say something like that. I love you Hikaru… PLEASE don't leave me. I can't be alone. I'll die without you…'_**

Thinking back on it, he mused over the idea of those words. Would he have truly died… Or had he been over-exaggerating at the time? For Kaoru, it was honestly hard to say. Twins shared a bond that most people could never comprehend. It was a gift that made them special – that gave them a vital connection to each others lives. And maybe that was why he hadn't been able to see it. Why he wasn't able to understand until now – that they were fated for tragedy from the very moment the forbidden words had taken flight…

'…_**I love you Hikaru.'**_

Things were finally falling into place, but it was too late now. Love had blinded him; chained him to deaths arm. Into the afterlife they would go together, riding each other on a bed of red blood. If only he could hate Hikaru. If only he was strong enough to say those words and mean them. He didn't have to convince himself… only his brother. But wasn't that the hardest part? Hikaru hadn't been successful two years ago, why would things be different for Kaoru?

'**_I HATE you Kaoru. Why can't you just shut-up, your always acting like a baby. I'm leaving and that's final. We should have gone our separate ways long ago. You don't need me, and I DON'T need you…'_**

Tears. Kaoru had wanted to shed so many tears at those words; but he hadn't. Because even now, looking back on it, he could tell… Hikaru hadn't meant a single word. It had been a ploy. And the only reason Hikaru had said those nasty things was because he'd cared. Kaoru always regretted not heeding them. Maybe it would have saved them both…

Then again, maybe it had already been too late.

'_**If you don't need me, then there's no reason for me to live. When you walk out that door, you'll be taking my life with you. Hikaru, can you kill me? Can you leave me to die?'**_

Those had been such foolish words; forged by stupidity and desperation. He wouldn't have died so easily. Despite what he'd said back then; Kaoru had never appealed to the ideals of suicide. It was wrong to be so weak that you'd slit your throat or overdose on pills just to escape life. Did one not realize that upon reaching death, you would never be able to escape THAT? You'd be dead forever, no chance of happiness…no light, belief or hope. You'd simple be trapped in the same darkness that you were to begin with. Except now, you'd truly be all alone.

Kaoru sighed, but who was he to talk. If he was so against killing himself, then why was his relationship with Hikaru acceptable? Wasn't he killing himself now, just in a less inconspicuous way? But then again, maybe the whole world was suicidal; pollution, AIDS, smoking, drinking, drugs, crime. Wasn't it true that everyone was stealing a little bit of their own lives way? Kaoru looked over to his sibling; maybe logic was just a bunch of bull. Maybe he was just trying to make a palpable excuse for the relationship between him and Hikaru to be more meaningful… For it to be alright in one way or another.

But it never would be, would it?

'_**Kaoru, don't you get it? If I STAY I'll hurt you?'**_

Why couldn't he have listened? Why couldn't he have heard the words without Hikaru ever having to say them out loud?

'**_Make me understand…Because I don't get it?' The younger teen's tears falling fast. _**

Why had he asked so much? The question had been so simple, so innocent and naïve. Give me the reason and I'll let you walk away, that's what Kaoru had been thinking. Satisfy me with a palpable answer and I'll admit my mistake. I'll denounce our love and it can go back to being the way it was before… He'd been such a fool to think that it could be so easy; that Hikaru would give a meek response. And Kaoru hated himself even more, for thinking that he'd be strong enough to take it.

'**_What's there not to get, damn it!' the words heedlessly flowing out. "Kaoru… I like pain. I'm sadist. Are you happy now? Can you understand why we can never be together!'_**

The younger teen would have never guessed it, even to this day, if he hadn't been witness to it first hand. Hikaru liked pain; he loved blood. And it was so well hidden that nobody would ever take notice. Even now, after all these years, not one of their friends had a clue. It was their secret, something held just between the two of them. It was sacred, special, and oh so wrong.

Kaoru hadn't been able to let go then, and he could never let Hikaru leave now. It hurt so much; because he was torn down the middle. Kaoru knew he was stuck. Death was on one side, and when he turned around, it was there on the other. He couldn't go forward, and there was no chance of moving back…Kaoru's own words had condemned this fate.

'**_That's it? You don't want to be with me because of something as insignificant as that?' the words spinning off the youngest ones lips, as if what the other said held no relevance at all. _**

The memory cursed Kaoru now, why had he played those words with such a sour tune. He'd forged no skill to make such a brash statement; only bearing a faith and love which churned him blind. The strings he'd dared to play had echoed right back, each one snapping as his heart sank a little further. Over time Hikaru would sever them all…he would break Kaoru, wear and tear the boy until only resentment remained. But it was a torment that would have no voice, because in Kaoru's eyes, Hikaru had never meant to hurt him…

'**_Don't take it so lightly. I love you more then anything; but I'm afraid of myself, of what I might do to you. You're the last person I'd ever want to hurt…"Raising his hand, Hikaru's long digits skimmed over Kaoru's cheek." I've wanted you for so long too…I've been in love with you for years.'_**

WHY! Why in gods name had his brother said that? Why had Hikaru spoken the words so heedlessly? If his brother had truly wanted to keep him safe, then he wouldn't have said those things. Hadn't the elder known that those words would lock their fate? It was like trying to tell a drug attic that he didn't have to use, and then putting out a smorgasbord of illegal substances in front of him. How could Kaoru not give in when Hikaru had tempted him so well?

'**_If you love me brother, then nothing else matters. I want to be with you. Hurt me Hikaru. Hurt me because you love me. Make me bleed, tie me up. Hit me. Beat me. Do anything and everything you want; just PLEASE, don't leave me…''_**

Kaoru hadn't known what he was saying then. He couldn't have possibly comprehended all of it, because he was naïve to that darkness his brother loved. All that he'd offered were words… had he known the repercussions within them, then his lips would have remained silent.

'**_If your sure you want this Kaoru…then you can always be mine.' _**

In the months which had followed, Kaoru had been subjected to all the things that he'd consented to. Hikaru had been beaten him beyond the point of being able to walk. Tied him up and tortured him until the younger boy's flesh turned blue; his arms adorned with bruises. The younger twin had bled so often and so much; that he'd probably lost more blood in the last two years, then most people would donate their whole lives. His once perfect flesh had now become tainted with scars. The most detrimental one being Hikaru's name –which was carved into his back, a permanent reminder to who rightfully owned him.

'**_I want the world to know that your mine…but at the same time it'll be our little secret.' The older boy's breath curving along the nape of Kaoru's neck, making him shivering as the tip of the blade pressed against his warm flesh._**

'_**Only for you Hikaru…'**_

Kaoru had let his brother do such terrible things to him; and each time they were together it was worse then the time before. Spanking had turned into slapping, which became hitting; and eventually it got so bad that the younger twin was lucky to walk away with only a few broken ribs, a dislocated wrist or a black eye. Those were the good days too, the ones that didn't evolve long hours of torture. There were knives, whips, chains, handcuffs, rope, various toys, and whatever ever odd random items that his brother felt like using on him. And if sadistic infliction wasn't enough, Hikaru would 'play' rape him in the bathroom, or molest him in a public place for the extra kick. Only the good lord could recite just how many places they fucked each other. They'd had sex in department store changing rooms, on the beach, in the park and quite a few times in public lavatories. When Hikaru wanted a better 'rush' there were the more daring locations, like in a booth at a night club, in the hallway of their apartment building or secretly in their friend's houses. They'd even once jacked off in a high class restaurant without being caught; their parents sitting only a few feet away. Naturally there were the less conspicuous places too, like the car, the swimming pool, an alleyway or any other dark corner that appeared out of sight. Always with the location, there was blood. A bite a the crook of Kaoru's neck, long scratches down his back, a busted lip from being hit, or some other odd, but nonfatal wound.

'_**Only for you will I bleed…'**_

Of course when they were at home, things got a lot worse. Hikaru would literality beat him. It wasn't odd for Kaoru to fall asleep on the couch while watching a movie, and then awaken to be chained to the bed. Sometime Hikaru would keep him in the bondage for days at a time; not giving him food or water but rather leave him all alone while the older boy went to hang out with their friends. Kaoru hated those times the most. When he was so weak and beaten that he couldn't even speak. To him it was like Hikaru didn't even care, that he would just leave him there…How many times had he nearly choked to death on his own blood? Or passed out because he was in so much pain. He'd even suffered quite a bit of nerve damage to his left hand from a lack of circulation; but his brother didn't seem to mind. Hikaru still wrapped the rope around his wrists until his fingers turned blue, or snapped on the handcuffs so tightly that it caused the flesh to rub raw.

'_**Only for you will I scream…'**_

If the elder twin was in a really violent mood, then the knife was more palpable tool –carving into Kaoru's flesh like it was paper. Once Hikaru had gotten so carried away that he'd stabbed his little brother in the chest; lapping up the blood like it was some exotic delicacy. Kaoru had laid there dying; practically begging his brother to call 911, until his throat had become raw and everything faded into a bleak darkness. Luckily he'd survived; though it was the elder who'd stopped the blood flow; having refused to call the paramedic's.

In the end, Kaoru knew he couldn't say it was worth it. But he couldn't say it wasn't either.

'_**Who needs sanity, when I have you Hikaru…You are my life, my air...the ground beneath me, the sky above...'**_

Drifting his fingers over the silk sheets of the bed, the younger twin mused over life's little game. For so many years he'd wanted to be here with Hikaru; spending the days wrapped in passion, each night filled with hot sex. It was a dream come true. And for it, the world was a place worthy of living.

But what was beyond that? What was it that Hikaru loved about pain? Just for once Kaoru wanted them to have a 'normal' session. Why was it always games and torture? Why was he always the one left feeling weak and used? He knew Hikaru never meant for him to feel that way, but none the less, that was exactly how the younger twin felt.

"Kaoru…? Are you ok?" Hikaru's voice breaking the silence; finally taking notice to the look of deep contemplation betrothing the others features. "I didn't hurt you did I?"

Those were such kind words.

"The needle… I didn't stick it too deep?" The elder implored; the underlining expression of his concern reflecting the epitome of cuteness. By now Hikaru had stopped the stitching altogether; concentrating on the younger form sitting beside him.

" No…" Even now, Kaoru found it was hard to believe, that when turned on, Hikaru could bash the side of his face in without giving it a second thought. But it was always different afterwards; if only for a few rare moments in which his lover was patching him up. The younger of the two gave a faint smile; he would lie because Hikaru's happiness was all that mattered. Even when they did go too far, even when it hurt so bad that just of the idea of death touching him sent Kaoru into a state of ecstasy, he wouldn't say a word. "No, I'm fine. You didn't do anything wrong."

Hikaru smiled back. Sometimes he wondered if he was pushing his little brother too hard; but surely his lover would say something…right? "I love you Kaoru."

Silently, the other died a little more. "I love you too…"

'**_I'll love you now, forever and always…You are my everything."_**

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**Author's Note:** Well, I hope you didn't find this too disturbing, or confusing. Like I said before, I was kind of in a weird mood when I wrote this...

Reviews would be very nice and appreciated. Thank You for reading.


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